i'm extremely pleased to announce that last week, my roommates and i became the proud owner of a Big Purple Ball. (the Big Blue Ball came later.) it all happened during one of our frequent trips to the Promised Land, also known as Wal-Mart ("Say it, Ray." "K-Mart sucks.")... and, amidst our flurry to find as many bags of Marshmallow Peeps as possible, we passed the toy section. normally we tend to release all of our bitterness and anger against today's kids upon witnessing only rampant mass marketing and movie knock-offs in what used to be our Greatest Sanctuary as young children. we yell inane phrases like "back in my day, we only had two rocks to bang together" or "look at new Crack-Whore Barbie." that day, though, our rage was quieted by the Giant Basket of Big Rubber Balls. "wow," was all i could say. "i wish i still had one of those," remarked Matt. "i already have big rubber balls," cracked Thomas, making the Requisite Gay Joke of the Minute. unfortunately, we passed right by the toy section and proceeded to the check-out line. stuck behind the Requisite Old Folk who buy nothing but Soy Milk and Diapers, we were lost in thought. "you know, we should get one of those balls. it'd be damn fun to play with," said Thomas. i looked at him. "well, they shouldn't be that expensive. why don't you grab one before we check out?" he gave me one of Those Looks. as in, yeah right, let's stop kidding around now and just check out. i gave him one of my dreaded Counter Looks.

needless to say, we bought a Big Purple Ball.

on the way home, in Matt's crowded and carbon-copy Red Mustang, i held the Big Purple Ball in my lap, slightly afraid it was going to pop since it was crammed between my knees and the windshield. but soon, the magical effects of the Ball began to wash over us! what was this newfound joy, manifested in the form of cheap inflated rubber from that Devil's Den of Capitalism, Wal-Mart? it had cost no more than twenty bits, and yet the purchase of the Ball seemed to be our greatest coup since Thomas yelling 'buckfutter' at several thousand decibels, only to the delight of the entire dorm. we laughed, cried, and made jokes. i threatened passerby with the Might of our Ball, and i think Matt might have ran several red lights due to our newfound confidence, all thanks to the Ball. the Ball began to take on Magical proportions. it promised not only good times, but Athletic benefits as well. running around and chasing an object straight from our childhood could only be a veritable Fountain of Youth!

we got home and unloaded the rest of the groceries, occasionally tossing the ball back and forth to interrupt the mundane chore. and then... then, my faithful readers, we took it outside. at first we tentatively threw it back and forth, giggling quickly and cracking silly jokes. then... then the fun began!! i kicked it up in the air, shouting-- "DAGH!" Thomas pitched it up at Matt-- "RARGH!" Matt kicked into the street-- and a collective "NOOOO!" arose from our Gang as we chased the Magic Ball to save it from certain death. occasionally the Ball would get stuck in some trees, and we'd always knock it back down with our shoes (after about four thousand tries). it was a Great Time for everyone involved, and after what had to have been a few days, we trudged back into our room, sweating profusely, breathing heavily, swearing under our breaths-- but all the better for it. our stunning displays of Athleticism had gained us no admiration from our Peers, from Beautiful Women-- only admiration and respect for each other.

and two nights later, we were back out again, with a new member for our Gang-- a nice, attractive Female by the name of Tash. i started the festivities with a giant "DAGH!", booting the Ball to Matt. "OOF!" to Thomas. and a "RAWR!" to Tash.

the Ball bounced past her.

three men looked at each other. could this be? was the Female not entranced by the Magic of our Big Purple Ball?

"let's play tag," she said.

"TAG!" we scoffed. such foolish physical exertions were below us. the Big Purple Ball was all we needed. i ran to retrieve the Ball, and Tash sat down. and so the exercises continued. "BLAAAARG!" i booted the Ball to Thomas. "WHACK!" to Matt. "SKIBBY-DIBBY-WHAM-BAM-THANK-YOU-MA'AM!"... to a tree.

"darn," we muttered, perhaps with stronger Expletives, and took our shoes off, prepared to make about seven million nerdified attempts to retrieve the Ball. Matt was the first to pitch his boot. the forthcoming sound was heard round the world.

"POP!"

we stared in disbelief. we looked twice. we stared at each other. we glanced around the area, searching for the Magic Ball, knowing in our Hearts that the greatest toy in the world hadn't been destroyed, but had perhaps been transported to Mars or even the Sun and would be falling from the night sky at any moment. our Eyes couldn't betray us like that. we looked back up. Tash laughed.

in the branches of the tree sat the mangled, popped remains of our Big Purple Ball. we gasped and stared at each other again. could this be? we asked. and the Questions sprang to our Minds. why?? we thought. it could have been any number of things. maybe it was the Ball's colour. Purple is a silly colour. or perhaps it is all Tash's fault. (i gave her a good, hard, suspicious Look.) yes, it's the Female's fault. she wanted to play tag and now she has willed such horrible Destruction and Evil Luck on us! yes, that has to be it. the Female has to get her way, and the Female is evil, and she has caused us much Bereavement of Soul and Tearing of Garments. (thankfully, no one present tore their clothes.)

after we plucked the torn remains of the Former Ball from the tree (which resulted in several scrapes on my Arm), we finally played tag. yes, the Female would have her way, but not with the willing cooperation of the rest of the Gang. it was a fairly unspirited game of tag-- Matt chased Thomas into the building, and both were never seen again. the Magic of the Ball was gone. i walked Tash back inside. the conversation was light, trying to avoid the Burden of the Death among us. it was a sad night.

lately, i've been thinking (which usually consists of stacking Mountain Dew cans on the corner of my desk) about the Magic of that Ball. why was it so much fun? maybe it really was a Fountain of Youth. a link to our childhood, if you will. the carefree days of Youth, reborn in our unstructured activities, and just the general joy we got from being outside, having Fresh Air, stretching our Limbs, exercising our Muscles, our entire Beings reveling in Play. and you know what? everyone should have that, or at least have the opportunity. today's priorities are all wrong. too many events are structured these days, too many schedules are crowded. children must be Here and There, at piano lessons or soccer practice or college seminars or homework when they are still but ten years old. children must have their 4.0 grades and their participation trophies. parents have Jobs and Responsibility and SUVs and demand very much. the poor people have no Free Time to themselves, they must Get Ahead and Keep Up With the Joneses and Live Life in the Fast Lane. this is not good. it is but a small step, but everyone should take the time out to go to Wal-Mart, Devil's Den as it may be, and buy-- no, demand-- Big Blue Balls from the store. or Big Red Balls, or Big Green Balls, or whatever colour. but the Fun must be had.

today, we bought a Big Blue Ball. perhaps Blue is a better colour. perhaps this Ball is constructed of better material. maybe the Female will approve this time around.

certainly, the Magic is back.