Okay, loyal readers, let's face the music. Providing that you are a living being, you have probably been sick at one time or another; that is, stricken with a debilitating illness of some sort that probably made you cry like the little baby you are. Providing that you are either a mummy or a vampire, you are in one constant state of sickness that can only be cured with an Ankh of Fruity Delight +3 or higher. Providing that you are anything else, you are probably not reading this article. So excluding the mummies, vampires, and illiterate homeless people who may or may not be mummies or vampires, I will focus on the quite ancient and storied art of being sick for the benefit of any literate human beings out there using the good ol' Intarweb. I have compiled a list of diseases so that you may diagnose yourself, a list of protocols to cure yourself, and a list of activities you may undertake to prevent yourself from being sick. Without further ado, here we go!

List of Possible Sicknesses

Just like it is really important to know yourself, because otherwise you'd probably go crazy, and that'd be pretty damn funny just to see you running down the street in my neighbourhood grabbing your hair and screaming "WHO AM I?" at the top of your lungs... heh, heh... uh... where was I? Well, just like you know who you are, you have to know what kind of mysterious alien corn gods are invading the sanctity of your precious little blood vessels with all the righteous cleansing power of God's Hoover Upright with SteamClean Action. If you don't figure it out soon, you'll probably be just like the crazy guy I mentioned above, which may or may not be a disease-- you'll just have to read to find out! Clever, eh? EH?!

Common Cold - Symptoms include sneezing, coughing, and an incessant desire to start whining and sniveling like a little grade-school girl. You pansy. Cork that runny nose of yours with some tissues and you'll feel better in an instant. It's not that bad; that's why they call it 'common', jackass. Wuss. Whiny little snot.
Influenza - More commonly known as 'Enza' for the rather feminine and irresistibly sexy shape of its base molecules, influenza is all in your head. Psychic cleansing by a licenced Voodoo Doktor (R) is recommended; the higher the donation you make, the faster you will be cured.
Heartburn - Your heart is actually ON FIRE. Swallow a fire extinguisher, or there is no hope left for you.
Measles - Measles is the name of those cute little virii you might remember from the smash-hit Nintendo game 'Dr. Mario.' If you don't remember them, that's okay. All you have to do is get crayons or markers of three different shades, then colour all over any sort of pills you can find. Then, pop those marked pills into your mouth while spastically gyrating to any sort of mid-80's electronica music you can find.
SARS - Apparently this shit's all the rage now, I have no idea what the hell they're talking about. If you rearrange the letters, you get ASSR, and that has something to do with either Russians or my uncontrollable bowel movements.
Small Pox - The laughable cousin of Large Pox, Small Pox are easily defeated by a flyswatter and a can of Raid. If you start feeling nauseous because of the Raid, switch to Black Flag brand.
Large Pox - M1A1 Abrams tanks (as currently deployed in USA #1 War!) are recommended in deployments of no less than three fully operational vehicles. Trained gunners are needed to shoot 120mm shells directly at your torso in intervals of no less than forty seconds apart. Otherwise, cleansing by nothing less than atomic explosion is required to defeat this biological bully.
Cooties - Most frequently acquired during elementary school years, cooties usually inlays a strong desire to avoid the opposite sex, and an impassionment for running around a whole hell of a lot. 'Circle circle dot dot' and 'criss cross applesauce' are sketchy cures at best, however as a general rule I recommend 'growing the fuck up.' Damn kids.
Mummy Feveritis - A sexually transmitted disease, Mummy Feveritis usually starts out with symptoms such as dry mouth, itchy skin, and decreased verbal coherency. No later than the tenth day of inception, the infected person has taken to wrapping themselves in bandages and generally not moving a whole lot. There is no cure for this disease, only prevention, so know your partner!
Communism - This was actually one of the 'coolest' diseases to catch back in the '50s. All the kids on the street would be like "You hip, Daddy-O?" and then the little nerdy kid would be like "Yes fly honey," and then they'd all be like "Prove it, bitch," and then the little nerdy kid would go catch Communism. The only cure for Communism is a baseball game, a whole American apple pie, and three renditions of 'The Star-Spangled Banner'. USA #1!
Death - General symptoms included rigor mortis, not speaking, not eating, not breathing... hell, not doing a lot of anything. A 'Phoenix Down' is needed to cure this one, and seeing as how we don't live in Magical Japan Video Game Land, I don't see how the fuck you're gonna beat this one.

How To Act, and Not To Act, When You Are Sick

Simply put, there is just some behaviour that will make your illness worse. But sometimes it's difficult to draw the line between proper and just plain irresponsible action when you're sick. For instance, you don't catch influenza when you're already suffering from Moon Chills. I mean, come on, that's just juvenile. However, for your convenience, here is a list of safe and conversely dangerous habits to be in when you are stricken by disease.

DO lie in bed to attain lots of rest.
DO NOT lie in bed to masturbate furiously to furry porn.
DO drink many clear fluids to stay hydrated.
DO NOT drink own urine.
DO call in sick to work so they may prepare for the day shorthanded.
DO NOT call in sick to work and "tell those fuckers in Corporate that they can kiss my sweaty, sore-ridden ass."
DO attempt to get a caretaker for at least part of the day, easing your menial burden.
DO NOT atttempt to sexually molest caretaker, regardless of how 'easy' or 'loose' he/she looks.
DO remember to take all prescribed medicine at proper time and measurement.
DO NOT force-feed prescribed medicine to neighbour's pet, no matter how loathed said pet is.
DO think positive thoughts during sickness.
DO NOT think about Abe Vigoda naked. Ever.
DO perform relaxing, enjoyable activities while recovering.
DO NOT die while recovering. That's really fucking stupid.

Some Things I Do To Stay Not-Sick-Like

Being the paragon of health, virtue, and alcoholism that I am to readers worldwide, or at least to several hobos who've got it way worse than I do, I can only see it as a charitable community service to share my 'stay-fit' techniques with anyone and everyone. Remember, these tips are 'one size fits all', satisfaction guaranteed but no refunds k thx lol.

1. Get some good exercise each day. Common activites generally include jogging, biking, or another form of aerobics. Less common activities include Dance Dance Revolution, masturbating, and laughing at a 6-hour Tom and Jerry marathon. Oh, Tom, when will you ever learn?

2. Maintain a healthy diet. Pizza and beer will no longer cut it, my friend. Chicken wings must be added to stay in perfect fitness. Do not consider switching to imported beer. For instance, Canada is known as a prime source for Maplepox Hockeyitis and while many hearty Canucks are simply used to this debilitating ailment, those primitive jerks have no health standards and you'll catch it in a heartbeat.

3. Wear as much protection as possible. A simple mask over the mouth and nose is the bare minimum these days. I recommend wearing a NIOSH-approved gas mask, hazmat suit, and condom at ALL TIMES. If you can get one of those bubbles that the freaks live in, you are the safest motherfucker alive. And I do mean alive.

4. Stay the fuck away from old people. Old people are to disease like that stuff that attracts flies is to flies. If you are an old person, I have no advice for you other than start getting young, FAST.

5. Intimidate to prevent that first strike in the war against sickness. Scream threats to the disease in public places, paint your face with catchy anti-disease slogans like "EAT LEAD STREPTOCOCCUS", even carry around a tin badge that reads 'Junior Sheriff' and let those virus fuckers know who the real boss around town is. Disease particles will see this as a sign of strength and will definitely think twice before trying to infect YOU.

6. Carry around a 'cleansing kit' at all times. If someone around you happens to get sick, you damn well know you're next. I recommend keeping a large cardboard box on hand with the following items in case of emergency: assault shotgun, flamethrower, four extra napalm canisters, Big Red Button for handy nuclear strikes, and Dial Super Peach Scented Antibacterial Extra Soft Hand Lotion.

Well, there you have it. Your full and complete guide on how to maintain a real healthy lifestyle, or at least a mere charade of a healthy lifestyle while in reality you suffer with the dark torment of Satan's embrace or some other angsty shit like that. Remember everything I said and someday, you too can write an article just like mine and then I'll sue the hell out of you the true American way, USA #1! Either that or you'll get hit by a bus.